The Daily Om
18 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
On 18 April, the following message from Daily Om, to which I had subscribed quite some time ago, came into my inbox. The strange thing about this is that I had not received one since 9 January, 2012, whereas prior, I was getting them daily, of course, for just over a year. The Universe has a funny way of doing things. Definitely from January up until quite recently, I was in no “space” Spiritually to receive what came to me today, which I now share with you below. And oh, how fitting it is…more later on that regard.
No Going Back
Every Step Is Forward
Sometimes during our spiritual growth we can feel as if we are going backwards, rest assured you are not.
There are times when we feel that we are spinning our wheels in the mud in terms of our spiritual progress. This can be especially true following a period of major growth in which we feel as if we’ve gained a lot of ground. In fact, this is the way growth goes—periods of intense forward movement give way to periods of what seems like stagnation. In those moments when we feel discouraged, it’s helpful to remember that we don’t ever really go backward. It may be that we are at a standstill because there is a new obstacle in our paths, or a new layer to get through, but the hard work we have done cannot be undone.
Every step on the path is meaningful, and even one that seems to take us backward is a forward step in the sense that it is what we must do to move to the next level. In addition, an intense growth spurt requires that we rest for a time in order to fully integrate the new energies that have been liberated by our hard work. When we feel we are not making progress, we can encourage ourselves to take a moment to rest. We can meditate more, feed ourselves well, and get extra sleep. Before we know it, we will be spurred on to work toward the next level of our development, and this rest will make sense then as something we needed in order to continue.
Once the sun rises, it doesn’t go backward but instead follows its path in one direction. It may appear to stand still for a moment in time, or to move more slowly at some point or another, but really it is steadily moving forward on its path. We are the same way, and once we have moved through something we can never really go back. We may be resting or revisiting issues that seem old, and it’s natural to feel stuck, but in truth we are always taking the next important step forward on our path.
Time to Bid Adieu.
03 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
I think it’s time to bid adieu to Le Lit. I want to continue writing, and I may start-up an entirely new blog and possibly even transfer all of these posts onto that and pick up where I left off…I don’t know yet. All I know is that I no longer feel safe posting here due to having recently had a couple of my posts used against me and my marriage by someone I deeply Trusted. I will be sure to let whatever followers remain on here know about any potential new blog, and in the meantime, thank you so much for Being such a wonderful Support to me by reading and often commenting via email or on here.
Much Love…
Lily
The Magic of Writing…
10 Mar 2012 2 Comments
“DON’T LET HER BE YOUR BLOG RAPIST, TOO!” -Ariela Marin
(For a while, I will probably add that quote to the top of my more personal blogs, as a not-too-gentle reminder from my bold Sagittarius daughter, not to censor my Self when I blog. I have recently felt rather violated with my posts, but that’s another story not worth my Energy right now…)
After writing “Not Without My Father!” and “The Real Challenge,” which followed the first, I have had a tremendous back slide. My daughter compassionately reminded me that this is to be expected, especially when taking on something as huge as I am attempting to take on here, something that, as she also reminded, is not something many people ever even realise. This helped. But not enough. I’m very hard on my Self. VERY.
I have since resorted to self-injuring again. I don’t like to admit this. I debated if I should. But this blog is meant for such demons to be exposed, and lest I veer completely off the track upon which I started, and begin CENSORING my Self, I felt the need to just say this – one of my darker secrets.
It’s ugly, I know. I’m deeply ashamed.
I’m not really sure where this post will take me, but maybe it doesn’t have to take me anywhere. Maybe I’m just meant to share with you my night.
My day started out well enough. I began a crochet project – a gift I’m making for a Goddess Sister in my Life who has really been there for me during this difficult stage in my marriage. My intention was to finish it before tomorrow, so in case I see her tomorrow night or sunday, I can give it to her. No such luck. Everything got put on hold when I mistakenly decided I needed to ask my husband a question in regard to his feelings about Us and me. His reaction was horrible. Cold. Angry. Resentful. Distant. Needless to say, HUGE little girl trigger!! HUGE. I tried so hard to handle it well. I tried so hard not to cry. I tried so hard to remain calm. But the floodgates opened, and there she was, the little girl, sobbing, pleading, begging for her daddy to Love her, to acknowledge her presence, assure her of her worth, that he was sorry and never ever meant to hurt her, etc., etc….The list goes on. So many needs she has! Jeez! Anyway, because my husband is NOT my daddy, none of it worked. He is, quite frankly, too engulfed in his own stuff. So that left two people, engulfed in their pain, neither one getting any reprieve, though, to my credit, I did try to give him comfort, but only to be pushed away. Daddy again. Ugh. My husband has his reasons – he is admittedly very disconnected from him Self. I see this. On a theoretical level, I see everything very clearly. Emotionally? Ah, now there’s the rub. QUITE a different story.
So, really, I had nothing left to do but cry. And cry I did. I cried more than I have in a long time. I felt a myriad of things, as I did. Anger, hurt, abandonment, loneliness, resentment, fear..only to name a few. At one point, this emotional purging took place on a chair which sits next to our credenza. I opened the top drawer of it, because there are a bunch of things in there of sentimental value, and I was hoping one of them would comfort me. His photos, which sat atop the credenza, were not helping.
That’s when I remembered The Book.
A dear Friend of ours named Alecs gave that book to us one Christmas with a one hundred-dollar bill in it. He said the book was meant for us to record all our unforgiveness toward each other so we could just leave it there and move onward. We’ve since used The Book on a few occasions for various things – promises to each other, love letters, realisations about the other, apologies, etc., so tonight, after sobbing even more over some of that, I decided to write my feelings in it. And oh, the magic of writing! I wrote and wrote and wrote. I just wrote stream of consciousness emotions. I didn’t censor. I just wrote. But I wrote it to the The Book. I even addressed it as “Dear Book.” Then, I wrote a note to my husband in The Book asking him not to judge what I wrote, and explaining that it was just stream of consciousness, and as I wrote that, I found my Self next wanting to write 3 things I Appreciated about him! Whoa! Where did that come from?!
What followed next was nothing short of a miracle. I began to write, from my Heart, things for which I was deeply sorry – spelling out the ways I had hurt him, admitting how much he did NOT deserve it, telling the Real Truth about what I do feel for him, and just apologising from a place of Truth. From my Heart.
Then I made lunch for his work tomorrow and started a load of his dirty clothes in the washing machine!
WHERE IS LILY AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HER? Right? Aw, come on! Leave me alone! I’m not that bad! Really…I’m not. I’ve been trying…I’m a damaged little girl, but dammit, I’ve grown into a Goddess, and I work HARD. I do. I know that’s more me talking to my Self than asking you to say this – - I am harder on me than anyone out there could ever even imagine..
But guess what? For today, for tonight, rather, before I lay my head down to sleep, I am OK.
To the Greatest Womyn I Know…
09 Mar 2012 Leave a Comment
…in Honour of International Womyn’s Day.
“You and me against the world
Sometimes it feels like you and me against the world
When all the others turn their backs and walk away, you can count on me to stay…
Remember when the circus came to town?
And you were frightened by the clown?
Wasn’t it nice to be around
Someone that you knew
Someone who was big and strong and looking out for you…
And me against the world
Sometimes it feels like you and me against the world…
And for all the times we’ve cried
I’ve always known that God was on our side…
And when one of us is gone…
And one of us is left to carry on…
Then remembering will have to do
Our memories alone will get us through
Think about the days of me and you
You and me
Against the world…”
I Love you, too, Baby…
The Real Challenge…
04 Mar 2012 1 Comment
(If you didn’t already read the post just prior to this called “Not Without My Father!,” please do, as this one will then make more sense.)
Wow…something I’m realising…Daddy isn’t gonna go away that easily. His ghost has tried to torture me even with females I considered “Sister/Friend.” I am even translating their behaviour into the same as his, rather than realising that what they’re doing is their personal shite.
I came home tonight from having been out with Friends who exude warm, Loving, Energy and who Believe in my relationship with my Primary, which, in case you hadn’t figured it out by now, is in an unsteady place. I went to him to ask him to sleep in our bed together, as lately, he’s been sleeping in the garage….I did this, because I knew he wanted to talk tomorrow, and I felt it would be extra Strengthening if we awakened together for this purpose. He seemed to be all for it, and then….I faltered. We got inside, I plugged in his mobile phone for him, and I “went there.” I checked his texts. There were several rather interesting texts between him and someone I had considered a Goddess Sister, and in all of the ones I viewed briefly, hers felt negative toward Us, toward me, even. This hurt, and I immediately became scared and triggered. She is someone who has never seen my husband and I in a good place together. In fairness to me, because of this, she cannot really Understand or See who We ARE, as others in our Lives, who have seen Us on a semi-regular basis.
I immediately went to a place of fear, a place of hurt, a place of wanting to control the situation, and all because I felt, once again, the carpet being pulled out from under me. I felt that the two of them had conspired against me, that she had potentially talked him into being more fearful of me than he needed to be, and was, perhaps, advising him accordingly without ever knowing both sides. There was, incidentally, a minor “struggle” between my husband and I over this. Nothing volatile. Just an emotional struggle. Finally, I realised, “wow, that fucking daddy ghost – he’s a hard one to kill off, isn’t he?”
I’m happy to say that I Recovered by reminding my Self that even my interpretation of her actions was related to Daddy. Her reasons for behaving the way she is are entirely related to her own shite, her own triggers, her own fears, issues, and even projection. They have nothing to do with me. And when I interpret them as betrayal, I’m a victim of Daddy’s ghost, once again.
I shared this with my husband. I have to say, on his behalf, he really seemed to Listen. How much he actually absorbed, however, is debatable, because he’s in a completely different place than I am right now. Very self-loathing, depressed, and fearful. Something eventually happened, though. Something I didn’t expect. He reached out to me, and he held me. When he did, I cried from a place I have never cried before…a deep, authentic, ego-less place. It was Powerful. I didn’t even regard that it was him holding me. I just allowed my Self to feel the support of being held, and I let go. I let go in a way I’ve never done before. I didn’t have any expectations of comfort from him. I just knew I was being held, and it didn’t matter by whom, and I was going to take advantage of that support and cry until I couldn’t any longer. And I did. I cried for the times Daddy wasn’t there for me. I cried for the times Daddy betrayed me. I cried for the times Daddy pulled the carpet out from under me. I cried for the times Daddy wasn’t really “daddy.”
And then, I began to slow down….and something interesting happened…I became aware, again, that my husband, the one I always felt was responsible for Daddy’s wrong doings, was the one holding me and letting me cry. Part of me resented him for it, for being the person who could so “loftily” hold me while I cried over things I felt HE had triggered….However, as soon as I felt that, I told my Self, repeatedly, “He’s not your daddy, he’s not your daddy, he’s not your daddy…he’s not responsible…he’s not your daddy.” It came out as a barely audible whisper, but it was enough for me to feel Strengthened…so much so that when he actually did walk out the door, returning to the garage to sleep, I wasn’t hurt by this. I had, at that point, already convinced my Self that anything he did, anything ANYone did…had NOTHING to do with me or my father.
Ohhhhh, what a release this has been!!!
I’m unsure, still, what tomorrow holds, but I do know this: I’m Stronger for this experience – for the Realisation that came from it, and I am Grateful that I now, at least, have the capacity to analyse the otherwise hurtful behaviour of someone in a way that will lead to the magnificent Understanding that their behaviour is just that, purely and simply their behaviour.
Putting this into a daily practise is the real challenge, but after everything I’ve been through, I think I’m up for it, don’t you?
Not Without My Father!
03 Mar 2012 Leave a Comment
Ok, corny, I know – stole the idea for this title’s post from that Sally Field movie, “Not Without My Daughter!” in case you hadn’t already figured that one.
Here goes…
Seems with only 2 exceptions, I have never entered a relationship with a male without bringing along my Father’s ghost and all his issues that he imposed upon me as I was being raised. I want to put that ghost to rest. I want to finally move forward in my relationships without him. That’s what this post is about – hopefully serving as the first steps I need to take to abandon that ghost once and for all. God, I almost feel like I should re-marry my husband as “My Husband,” not “My Husband-with-daddy’s-ghost-attached!”If there were a way I could do that, I would. Hmmm….
My father left me a legacy of pain. Among them, and the one that seems to get me in the most trouble with my current primary male partner, is the fear of, you guessed it, abandonment. God, how trite. Sooooo typical. Grosses me out to even type those words. Like, what girl doesn’t have that fear? So because I have such a cynical attitude toward anything trite about being female, my way of handling that fear is to push it waaaay deep down inside and let it manifest as rage and coldness and being SURE that I abandon first! Oh! And I attract men who are monogamous. Go figure. They fall Truly, madly, deeply in Love with me, and they never want to leave. So you may be thinking I’ve got it made, eh? Ah, but here’s the rub. Even though I’ve got the physical leaving part down, I don’t have the emotional abandonment down.
To understand more fully, allow me to introduce you to my father, from here on referred to as simply, “Daddy,” a name I always wanted to call him, just like those girls in the movies, you know the ones – “Daddy’s little girl,” the youngest, perhaps, or the only daughter, his “princess.”I was the youngest and only daughter, but I didn’t have that kind of relationship with my Daddy. I couldn’t. It wasn’t until the final years of his Life that I even dared to call him that, and it felt strange, but secretly, I loved the way the word rolled off my tongue, and I would use it as often as possible, just to hear my Self say it.
Daddy was married to my mom until they day he died. Insanity killed him. This insanity kept him from ever really “Being” there, though he was there, right in front of me, seen plain as day, all the time. Ever seen that movie “A Beautiful Mind?” Yeah, that was Daddy. There, but not. Cold as ice sometimes. Well, that’s how I translated it. That movie opened my eyes, taught me that to him, my presence and need for attention just interfered with the state in which he was dwelling, collided, as it were, and that confusion had him pretty consistently needing to push me away just to save what little semblance of sanity he felt in the moment. But he wasn’t always like that! No! Sometimes he was totally engaged, making me laugh, dancing with Mom, showing off, having fun. Amongst his other issues was the fact that he had several personalities, and I never knew which to expect or when. This made it extremely important to me to always try to Energetically suss out a situation in a room before acting, something I do to this day. Because of his ever changing moods, rules, and personalities, the carpet was constantly being pulled out from under me. Needless to say, never a dull moment in my home. I can honestly say that, to this day, I have never known what it feels like to be bored.
Now, as a grown womyn, 45 years of age, I’m finally realising that I’ve had enough of him and his hold on my Life. Poor Daddy. He didn’t mean to do this to me. In fact, he didn’t. I just happened to interpret his actions personally, just like I’m doing now, with my primary. His own stupid, pathetic shite is HIS, not mine, not Daddy’s – purely and only HIS. For me to look at it and view it any other way only tells me one thing: that I’ve still managed to drag Daddy’s ghost into yet another significant relationship with a male. And THAT is also trite. And ohhhh, how I hate trite! In fairness, he does the same thing. He manages to interpret so much of what I say and do as the same shite of people from his past (and present!). But if I let that hurt me any longer, I’m STILL holding onto Daddy’s ghost, aren’t I? Because it just so happens that whenever he interprets my stuff as the shite of his past, he reacts kiiiinda like guess who? Yep, Daddy. Or does he? Am I just seeing it that way because I am so bloody attached to Daddy’s ghost? Well, well, there’s a philosophical question for ya…for me, really. Me thinks the answer is probably yes, I am.
Enough! Be gone, foul ghost! Be gone! You had your chance when you were in physical form, you failed, and now, it’s nobody’s job to pick up that slack, so stop trying to convince me it is. I am a VERY Loved, Powerful, Blessed, Strong, and Courageous Goddess now, no thanks to you. Shoo! Go away!
Hmph. There. Do you think that did the trick? We’ll see…Maybe the next post I write will be called Not Without My Forgiveness…:)
Let Us Pray…
25 Feb 2012 2 Comments
Ok, relax. Before you get all hyped-up worried about me having gone off the religious deep end, allow me to assure you what “pray” can mean to me, aside from the traditional. To me, pray can also mean chanting, meditation, and also just being in a state of Appreciation. The latter is what I Intend to do now.
It’s time for Lily to express some Appreciation. I can feel my Self going under, slipping backward, drifting into a potential state of depression, as each day over the past couple weeks has a been a struggle to get anything accomplished. I have severely slipped backward in regard to my Healthy Lifestyle of not long ago, and lemme tell ya something, I FEEL it. I actually attribute a larger percentage of my current state to purely physical neglect. Moreover, some icky things have been coming up for me from my very distant and not so distant past, things over which I know I need to complete the grieving process. I’m working on that now, but before I digress further into all the things wrong with me these days, back to Appreciation. Quite simply, I’m composing a list of things below I have to Appreciate:
I Appreciate my Green Water Dragon, Oliver. He has been a real Gift to me, brings me so much joy, and despite his minor tail surgery, he’s recovering well and getting around just fine!
I Appreciate Ierne, my Beloved cat, who although passed, remains with me in so many different ways…
I Appreciate my house – I really love my house! Our desire to relocate has nothing to do with this charming cottage, and if we could take it with us, we would.
I Appreciate my recent reunion with Kevin, my music partner (met in Paris) with whom I share the most incredible Creative synergy, and then some..
I Appreciate my Creative theatre partnership with Charles, whom I also met in Paris.
I Appreciate the time I spent with Amanda – her holiday here was both a growing experience, as well as having brought us much closer together than before.
I Appreciate my relationship with my kids – ever strong, close, and Loving!
I Appreciate my body and vitality. I’m happy for my good skin and a body that stays in shape!
I Appreciate our landlord’s patience. It’s unbelievable.
I Appreciate the good people we’ve been meeting lately! I feel like we’re finally finding our footing here, finally settling into a Community. It feels good. On that note, I suggest everyone give any new locale 2 years, at least, before making any final decision to shift elsewhere. It’s so hard, at first, I know, but it really pays off when you begin to notice how “at home” you’re beginning to feel, and start looking at the people around in your Life who weren’t before. And on that note…
I Appreciate Mariana, Lisa, Pat, Emily, Sherry, The Living Room and the good people who visit, Don, Patricia…god, I hope I’m not leaving anyone out?
I Appreciate Patricia – I don’t know her well enough yet, but I like what I See so far, and I hope to Learn more about her…
I Appreciate my people in L.A. It’s so nice to go back for visits and be able to see them more often now.
I Appreciate the coast of California! SOOOOOooooo Beautiful! And it’s true, southerners, the further up north you go, the more Beautiful and, well yes, the more “cool.” 
California is, hands down, the best State in the U.S.! Aren’t we lucky??
I Appreciate NYC! I am very, VERY happy to have been there recently enough and to know I’m returning next year. NYC is my favourite city in the U.S., and although I wouldn’t want to live there full-time, I can definitely envision seasonally having a home there.
I Appreciate my mom and my relationship with her. It’s better than ever. A true miracle. Both her and our relationship.
I Appreciate the fact that no matter how I’ve been down on my Self lately, I still manage to do something every day.
I Appreciate that despite the problems we’ve been facing with paying the rent, we have never been put out on the streets. I Appreciate how the money always arrives. I Appreciate how God always looks after us, provides our needs, and we’re never truly without.
I Appreciate that there are Truly GOOD people in this world, and in particular, in our world. We’ve been very Blessed by these people in our world.
I Appreciate the sense of Community that exists in these parts. It’s unlike a lot of other places I’ve recently lived. It’s hard to believe and get used to sometimes, but whenever I stop and really let it soak in, I’m so Grateful.
I Appreciate that I’m not fearful singing in front of people any longer! HUGE accomplishment. This isn’t to say I don’t get nervous, but it’s more of a healthy type, the kind I get any time I’m about to go up in front of an audience, even for acting. But it’s not the degrading, holding-me-back kind. Thanks to my journalling and Openness to Understanding the fear, it’s not a part of my Life any longer, and I’m making huge strides toward my music goals, as a result!
I Appreciate that I have a mom who doesn’t push me to make money in the “safe” and corporate way, in a way that won’t make me happy, but rather, Supports my happiness and my Creativity!
I Appreciate that I have a husband who does the same, as that is hugely a part of what I need to move forward in regard to making money Creatively – finally!
I Appreciate a husband who Supports Me. Who I Am. My Truth. I Appreciate that he Loves Me, not some version of me he wants me to be to make his Life “easier.” I Appreciate that he “gets” me in more ways than one.
I Appreciate the freedom and Support I feel from him to be polyamourous and bisexual. I have never felt this from anyone quite like how I feel it from him.
I Appreciate the bath I’m just now watching Oliver take in his little jacuzzi!
I Appreciate the 1920′s radio station I get to listen to 24/7!
I Appreciate my Love for this time period musically, stylistically, and Energetically. I Appreciate that I have the wardrobe and look to support that Love Affaire!
I Appreciate how writing this is already making me feel better! I Appreciate that I stopped numbering my Appreciations, as that always keeps me in my rather obsessive/compulsive-type head and out of my Heart, where I NEED to be to TRULY Appreciate.
I Appreciate the girly night I shared with Lisa and Michelle wednesday doing skin-care and make-up applications and then going out with Lisa afterward.
I Appreciate the fun, flirty, sexy, and light-hearted role that Lisa plays in my Life – very refreshing, to say the least! And furthermore, I Appreciate my ability to just see it for what it is and not fixate on wanting more. I Appreciate that I am able to just Be in the Moment with her.
I Appreciate crochet and Joyce for teaching it to me.
I Appreciate the patience that those who Love me have for me.
I Appreciate the good, more relaxed, and calm attitude that Paschal has had with money lately.
I Appreciate the times that Paschal’s parents have helped us, or who knows where we’d be now?
I Appreciate how affectionate, playful, and cute Persephone has been lately.
I Appreciate that all our animals get on so incredibly well!
I Appreciate Shoe Dazzle! It’s one of my little treats in Life, and it hardly costs.
I Appreciate Buffalo Exchange!
I Appreciate my sense of style.
I Appreciate the thoughtfulness of Alecs – on so many occasions, he has made me feel incredibly Special, like a Queen, a Diva, and someone he cherishes deeply.
I Appreciate laughter! Especially lately, the laughter I get from shows via internet like Mrs. Brown’s Boys, Key & Peele, The Office, Smack the Pony, Curb Your Enthusiasm, SNL, Black Books, Father Ted…
I Appreciate the things I’ve learned, still learn, and will learn from the people around me, my Life experiences, and my Self…..
Amen.
Deserving, Pt. 2
17 Nov 2011 2 Comments
On 11.11.11., at 11:11pm, I sat in a hot tub under the stars and toasted to our Beautiful Moon Goddess, vowing to Her, in the company and witness of Arlene, my gorgeous cousin, that I would use this next cycle to put all daily meditative focus toward learning the answer to what follows below.
I recently shared that I feel undeserving and shame around getting praise for my talent onstage and that I didn’t understand why. Remember? This particular question has been a difficult one to answer, as often times, when I’d try to share with someone, they’d misunderstand my conundrum, assuming that what I meant by it all was that I doubted my abilities, didn’t think I was good enough, feared rejection, etc., the usual. But it was more complicated than that. In fact, it’s always been quite the opposite. I fear the attention I know I’ll receive from my performances. It’s not a question of rejection or fear of failure – the question was rather, why am I so fearful of their praise, why do I feel such shame around it? Again, I didn’t feel this way around my close Friends/Family. Just people I didn’t know, people I didn’t trust…
Yesterday afternoon, I arrived in L.A. feeling so refreshed from an incredible Connection I shared with my seat mate. I always manifest that I’ll sit next to someone cool, and this time, I really scored. She was full of Life, Energy, Joy, and Pure Beauty, inside and out. I was immediately drawn to her, and we proceeded to enjoy each others’ Presence with one nourishing topic of conversation after another. With this kind of arrival, it was no surprise, then, that I continued to attract Powerfully uplifting Connections the rest of the night.
After fetching me from the airport, my daughter agreed we stop and get a bite to eat before going back to her place. We decided upon Michelangelo’s. Before the car was in park, I saw it. MY STORE – purple, Goddessy, and screaming my name for entry. The Cauldron Kitty. I mean, come on! As Kismet would have it, of course, my daughter recognised the lovely shop attendant from their younger days and enjoyed a sweet reunion. Her name, of course, is Zen, short for Zenia. Lovely goddess. She almost immediately shared with us that we were the only womyn who entered the store that day with good Energy. She had been subjected to a lot of hostility that day. So I hugged her and gave her more of the same before perusing the store in search of the perfect gift for my daughter. Finally, not finding any “hell yeahs” nor wanting to rush the process, I took the store card and decided to order online. Plus, we were both starving! But before we left, Zen told us we couldn’t leave without taking a stone. She highly recommended I take a bloodstone, but I wasn’t sure, so I shared with her my conundrum of being fearful of praise, etc., and asked her what stone would be good for something like this. Zen said it sounded like a grounding issue and then reflected back to me what she thought she heard me saying. But as she did, I realised, once again, that I wasn’t being understood. I couldn’t seem to put it into clear words to her though. All of a sudden, she said, “I want to gift you with a tarot reading. Please, it’s my treat.” And she motioned toward the door leading to Tamara, whom I would soon come to learn was a very Gifted reader. Tamara took me into her small, divine room, set the timer for 15 minutes, and told me to focus on my question as I shuffled the deck. What followed cannot be repeated, not because it’s top secret, but because I simply cannot find the words to do it justice. In summary, I learned that my situation is in perfect Balance, and that I’m totally in the right place, ready to receive the answer, which, she said, was very imminent. Other things were said that sent us each chills on more than one occasion, as well as tears of happiness, and when I asked her to recommend a stone to me, what did she say, still without knowing anything about my situation or question at hand? “It’s a grounding issue.” I did choose the bloodstone, a crescent moon shaped one, and was about to leave when, naturally, I saw precisely what gift I was meant to buy for my daughter. Then, finally, hugging the Beautiful Zen for about the third time, off we went to dinner.
And there it was: My Answer. It came to me as I shared another intense, meaningful conversation with my daughter, wherein I recalled how, as a teenager, my father once told me that my mother was jealous of me and how icky that made me feel. One thing led to another, and here’s how it breaks down…
To be seen, noticed, “appreciated,” admired is equivalent to being molested, raped, hurt, betrayed. This is what I learned growing up. Disappear, get smaller, hide – this is the answer to staying safe and sure-footed. This is why, as I explained at the top, I am ok with hearing praise and receiving due attention from people I Know and trust. But the others, strangers, I don’t know them, so trust isn’t necessarily a given. Therefore, it’s not necessarily safe to be Seen by these people. When I perform onstage, I’m at my most vulnerable – more so than any other art I do – even more so than my fine art nude modeling. Raw, exposed, all Heart. Me. It’s no wonder that when I come off the stage, I’m frightened to be noticed by people I don’t know. In that moment, the little, exposed, vulnerable girl in me doesn’t know the difference between her perpetrators and well-meaning admirers. It’s no wonder I can’t take this art to the next level, become successful, even think about that possibility! On that scale, well-meaning admirers would become fans in large numbers!
Trust. This all boils down to trust. Wow. So seemingly simple, yet so difficult for me to see. I wonder why. But anyway, there ’tis. My Answer. I feel Blessed to have it. I really do!
But now what?
The Gap
04 Nov 2011 2 Comments
Do you know about The Gap? And no, I don’t mean the store, nor do I refer to the band from the 70′s. I mean, you know, The Gap. The space that exists between a female pair of thighs, just below our sex organs. The Gap! You know about this, right? Come on!
My daughter was just here visiting me from L.A. and confessed that I ruined her with this information years ago. Ok, well, those weren’t her words, but it’s my interpretation as a guilty mom. You see, we were having a light-hearted conversation about our weight (yes, ’tis possible!), and naturally, the subject of The Gap arose, and that’s when she said it. “You know, mom, you’re the one that told me about The Gap. I never would’ve known or cared about it if it weren’t for you. I still remember when we were walking to yoga or something, and you were all happy because The Gap had returned since you’d lost weight, and I said that I didn’t have one, and you told me that it didn’t matter, because not all womyn do – it usually just depends upon your build, you said, like if you have wider hips. And then I remember thinking to my Self, hey wait, I have hips, I’m built exactly like my mom, so why don’t I have The Gap? Does that mean I’m fat?! And since then, I’ve never stopped obsessing about this gap!” You can imagine my horror. I RUINED MY PRECIOUS, PERFECTLY DESIGNED DAUGHTER WITH KNOWLEDGE OF THE GAP.
Well, fortunately, we share a wicked good sense of humour together, so we neither one of us let it get all serious and emotional after that little confession. We began to see the comedy of it all. We started confessing to each other the myriad of ways we have each obsessed over this ridiculous space between our thighs both in front of the mirror and with our male partners, in particular. For example, the other day, she asked one of her suitors if he’d heard of The Gap, and after enlightening him, he later told her that he’d been ruined by this information, constantly looking between every womyn’s thighs in search of whether or not they had this coveted space, and he simply did not like this about him Self, he said. And on we go, spreading the gospel of The Gap.
Is that what I’m doing here by this post? God, I hope not. At least not in the way that one may think. In fact, by blogging about it, I am hoping to dispel its power over us! I, for one, don’t let a day go by without thinking to it at least once. This is just wrong. I’m forty-five years old, and I feel to be in better shape than I’ve ever been before, yet here I am, still concerning my Self over something that could only exist were I to be anorexic thin again. What a high price to pay for what – a bit of AIR between my thighs??? Basically, a high price to pay for zilch. So why don’t we just call it that? Zilch. It’s really nothing, this GAP. It’s just space! Why are we so obsessed with a bit of space??! Wow. I mean, think about it, we eat healthy foods, do yoga daily, meditate, take good care of our skin, embrace Pleasure at every turn, and are basically two very happy, immensely Loved womyn with full Lives, each of us. Why do we take even a second to concern our Selves over a bit of air that doesn’t exist between our wonderfully toned thighs when we have so much True Fulfillment? What does that tiny bit of space mean to us? What does it represent? And who notices?? Does anyone notice whether or not it’s there? According to my daughter’s handsome, red-blooded male suitor, who has certainly had his share of lovers, he had never even heard of this prior to her little quip, “Hey, have you heard of The Gap?” I wonder if he represents most men and even other womyn? Are we the only ones who think to this?
I was 14 or so when I learned of it. As we stood in front of the mirror, each in our panties and bra, critiquing and admiring, Deborah said, “You’re lucky, ‘cuz you have that gap between your thighs. I don’t have this.” I was like, “What gap?” And as she pointed it out to me, continuing to remark how she’d always wished she had this, I recall swelling up with secret pride that I had something my pretty, tall, thin friend coveted. After that, I worked that gap like there was no tomorrow. I was sure to choose clothes that accentuated The Gap. I constantly checked to see if The Gap was properly showcased. And even as I walked, I felt The Gap. The air, the space. The Gap became my badge of honour. I knew I had something that others would covet, and I was never gonna let that slip away from me, no siree. Needless to say, this segued easily into my obsession with being the thinnest I could possibly be. The Gap was a key player in my 26 yearlong disappearance act, otherwise known as Anorexia. Maybe this air, this empty space was the first symbol I truly idolised because it was, in fact, what I wanted to become. Unseen.
At any rate, I would like to tell The Gap, once and for all to just fuck off! I am sick of the power I let it hold over me, and I’m so sorry I accidentally passed this message onto my Beautiful Goddess daughter. Screw you, GAP! That’s all you are, a gap, a piece of space, unseen, non-existent, in fact, and it’s my turn now! I want to EXIST, to be SEEN, to take up my PLACE in this world, to be FELT by all those who come across me. My Life is too full to host any gaps, so be gone, vile gap, be gone!
Creating the Life of my Dreams…
26 Oct 2011 1 Comment
“Take time to write down your goals. Update and revise them regularly. Be as specific as possible. Flexible goal setting works like magic to help you create the life of your dreams.” Dr. Christiane Northrup
Every day, I read the quotes on HealYourLife.com, my homepage. The above was one from today. Fitting, I felt, for what I already had in mind for this post.
Lately, I have been Blessed to be in mutual email correspondence with a gentleman by the name of Ed Hooks, a San Francisco/Chicago/NYC acting coach of many years, whom I found online recently. He has rather “taken me on” as a sort of mentor, it would seem, and I have responded accordingly, sharing with him my most recent decision, which I will now share with you by way of an excerpt from one of my most current emails to him. I do this, because for me, to put it out there, to the Universe at large, especially by way of this blog, is a way for me to feel both accountable and hopefully vibrate off the Support I receive from my Loved ones, thus making it that much less likely that I’ll fail my Self. You see, my tendency is to keep it inside for fear of looking like a complete fool in front of everyone when I DO fail my Self, but that feels counter-productive to me now. Why set my Self up for failure? Would I respond to one of my own children that way? Certainly not. Thus, I must not respond to my Self that way, in order to maintain my Commitment toward Self-Care in the Highest way possible…
So here goes…
“I think you may be proud of me when I tell you what my plan is now to introduce my Self to Bay Area theatre land. And you’re partially responsible for the inception of this plan, so I hope that I will get to meet you soon, Ed, to express my gratitude to you in person. When you wrote one of the first emails you sent, wherein you said there were many things I can do and mentioned directing a play, as well, this was not the first time I had heard this, and as it turned out, it wouldn’t be the last within the span of perhaps hours. Very shortly thereafter, I received an email from one of my favourite playwrights (Charles Borkhuis) whom I met in Paris, as I was cast in his staged reading he had done with Moving Parts there. (Charles lives in NYC, but the writer usually comes out to see her/his work performed, as it’s a tax write-of and hey, why not? It’s Paris, for god’s sake!) Charles and I have been in touch since, and when he was on speaking tour here in the bay area, we hooked up for some drinks in the city with a couple of his poetry mates. We are mutual fans of each other. He loves my work, and I love his, and we’re longing to work together again. He’s become a precious person in my Life, even letting me stay at his place in the East Village whilst he was away and when I was on holiday there last month. So…he sent me one of his shorts the other day – a one-person show that either a womyn can do (for which he had me in mind), or a male in drag. After reading the first few lines, I knew a male in drag would be far more effective, and so his reply was (literally hours after reading your email) that I should direct it!
Something about the timing of all of this lit a tiny flame inside me, and I couldn’t put it out. For several days, I just let it burn, until finally, I emailed him and asked him for permission to do what I felt necessary to get it cast and produced out here, and he gave me the green light. Since the play is so short, I eventually realised it needs to be put together with a few other shorts, and as Charles is the kind of writer that just has tons of his stuff sitting around, I contacted him to send me some more stuff that could be produced as an evening of theatre together. So my plan, Dear Ed, is to get a few shorts put together, no set necessary, just props, cast it with either one or two stellar actors to play in all or most of them, direct the ones they are in, and perform in one of them. This can be produced on a shoe string, perhaps be a labour of Love betwixt us all, and voila! Lily Sauvage is introduced to the scene in style! I just don’t fancy starting from the ground up in a whole new city, you know? I know that there will be some of that to get things rolling in the way they were back in L.A., but why not Create my own venue and INVITE the right people to come and see me? I’ve produced before, years ago, but more importantly, I’ve done a lot of theatre, so I understand what needs to happen to make it work, for the most part, although I am not at ALL saying I won’t get proper guidance along the way from those more experienced. But I just feel that this is the way to go for a womyn my age and with my background. I just feel right about it.
You are now the second person I’ve shared this with. The first was my husband. I’m a bit worried even to share it, and now that it’s down on print, I’m a little concerned I won’t follow through and look like an idiot, but there is a bigger part of me that knows I’m at least going to give it the old college try, as they say, you know?”
Well, it pretty much speaks for itself now, I suppose. There ’tis. On paper, as they say. In print. Out there. For anyone to see. But I am not going to let this discourage me. My entire Intention of posting this would be futile, if I did.
So…..
14th Annual Love Your Body Day!
19 Oct 2011 Leave a Comment
Please don’t forget to LOVE YOUR BODY today! My post submission, “My Birthday Gift to Self,” is listed amongst the others on the following link:
http://www.now.org/news/blogs/index.php/sayit/2011/10/19/lybd-blog-carnival-posts
Today, in Honour of this Powerful celebration, I plan to do my favourite Kundalini Yoga set, meditation, and other sumptuous Self-indulgences to let my Body know She is Loved, Appreciated, and Adored! Please share with me what you plan to do! I love to be Inspired!
Spread the word, and LOVE your body! I do!
XOXOX
(P.S.For some hilarious comic relief to this regard, you simply must click here!)
Enlightenment. Kinship. Support.